by Victoria Wheeler
I love to meet new people in SL, especially when they’re interesting, meaning, ‘deeper’ than most. My favorite SL club seems to attract such deep, interesting people, perhaps because of the excellent music they play, so it’s an ideal place for me to hang out.
Last night at said club, I encountered a 1-day old newbie male who’s Profile seemed to hold the promise of an interesting, deep conversation. I addressed him first, from the other side of the room, then walked over to sit a few barstools away from him.
We were several minutes deep into an interesting chat, when, in the midst of our convo, a female av entered the club, sat next to him, introduced herself to him in IM, and asked him to dance. He immediately accepted, then informed me he’s going to dance with this interloper. Just like that.
His doing that upset me, I thought it an insensitive act in SL, as I would have in real life.
Now, I don’t really know him, we just met, and I don’t need yet another SL b/f.
It was his rudeness – abruptly leaving to dance with someone ‘new’ while he and I were in the throes of getting to know each other – which upset me. It has nothing to do with his being a noob, that wouldn’t be acceptible in real life, either.
I wondered why I had that reaction. Why did I care that he accepted a dance from someone who’d only recently and briefly addressed him while he and I were conversing? Why did I care that he did not ‘prioritize’ and politely tell her he’d take a rain-check? Why were my feelings hurt that Mr Clueless didn’t ask me to dance? Why did I need justification for thinking that he had made a big social faux pas?
A few minutes later, I asked a male SL friend about this event, and he agreed that I was right. Mr Clueless did not know that real world courtesy applied in SL, too.
But, still, I wondered why I gave a rap about what he’d done? I have a wonderful ’steady’ SL b/f, and numerous close friends of both genders in SL. So what if some noob fell over his shoes to grab a dance with a blond (a description, not a critique), in the middle of an interestingly deep convo with moi?
I’ve decided that in SL, which, at heart is about socializing, ‘attraction’ is not about real world physical ‘chemistry’ with members of one’s preferred gender. In SL, one relies on in-world chemistry, also known as ‘personality’. I believe one’s in-world chemistry is a projection of one’s self. Real world looks don’t matter, anyone can make their avatar attractive.
Thus, in my opinion, to be rejected in SL is just as hurtful, if not more hurtful than a similar slight in the real world, because it is a rejection of one’s persona or self. One might think it should not matter much, since trying to meet people in SL is like using public transportation…just wait 5 minutes and another bus will come along.
BUT, since your ’self’ is on the line in SL, I believe rudeness takes on a much sharper dimension – it really hurts. That hurt is exacerbated by the fact that the majority of SL denizens (myself included) are lonely, which is why they are in SL in the first place.
Mr Clueless and Blondie added injury to insult when they subsequently disappeared from the bar together. I left the club to visit with another SL friend. A little while later, I returned to find Mr C seated at the bar, alone. He very politely asked me to dance. I was cordial, and let him believe I would dance with him, although I didn’t even care to speak with him. I procrastinated, and occupied myself with another friend until Mr C finally got the message and left. To his credit, he had been polite and subtly contrite during our second encounter.
But…I won’t ever dance with or pursue a friendship with Mr Clueless, and here is why. Someone so out of control that he can not stop and consider another person’s feelings or the ‘protocol’ of getting to know someone, especially when what he is doing is all about socializing, is not the kind of person I care to share deep thoughts or spend any interesting time. That could only engender an insipid, one-way conversation, in his shallow direction alone.
I sometimes encounter men in SL devoid of basic social graces. For instance, last week I spent a few days in SL befriending a man and helping him with a project. We hit it off well, and he told me he had several female friends in SL but only one ’significant other’. I told him I had the same situation.
However, I went out of my way to introduce him to my significant other. My male friend, on the other hand, was so disinclined to introduce me to his significant other that, even after I’d danced right beside her for over an hour at one of his events, he did not introduce us. Not even after he told me who she was, because I asked what her name ‘might be’, having guessed from her Group tag. For some reason, my friend had no intention of introducing me to her. What a social lump. She knows he has female friends in SL. He and I had done nothing to hide from either of our SO’s, so what was his problem? I’ve kept him on my Contacts list, but deactivated his ability to see me online. I may remove him entirely after I finish this article.
Another male friend swore he despised rude people in SL. We’d gotten to know each other well enough to discuss personal matters. I initiated a convo about such a matter, a philosophical question requiring his opinion, one evening while we were partner dancing in a club. He acknowledged my inquiry, then had to go AFK. I waited quite a while for him to return.
When he announced he was back, I thought we would resume our private convo. I typed a couple of lines, and saw that he’d answered me in open Chat. But, he actually had not. He was not responding to my IM, he was busily involved in public Chat. I became confused and tried to join that convo, thinking it was ‘our convo’, but I was wrong. He was conversing publicly as if I were not there dancing with him, waiting for him to answer to me.
After having waited so long for him talk with me, and witnessing his deep involvement with the public chat, which he had obviously been following while I thought he was away, I felt he was being rude. Add in the fact that in the recent past, he’d gotten my undivided attention, care and concern on issues of his own. To return the favor for a few sentences was not something he cared to do.
Why use a friend for confidences, when you have no intention of reciprocating in kind? My question to him was hardly controversial; it was his interaction that counted. Superficial involvement does not equal a friendship. If you don’t care to talk to someone in IM, don’t ask them to dance. He and I are no longer Friends.
Life is too short to put up with clueless boneheads. They won’t learn if you tell them, either, because they really don’t care. Fine, they will end up alone because they have no concern for the feelings of others. What you reap is what you sow.
To deny SL exists for the sake of socializing, and to omit common courtesy as if it did not apply, is to simply ‘not get’ what SL is about. You may think getting one’s shorts in a knot over such things is a sign of my social insecurity, but if you’re so socially complete, why are you in SL?
